Having a tough choice picking out that special gift for your child? Well have no fear…Mad Ape is here with his Top 12 Children Gift Ideas in reverse order:

#12. My Little Pony Glue Factory by Elmer’s – the makers of fine Glue Products

This fantastic gift will show little Suzie what happens to those cute little ponies when they are no longer wanted. Sure to bring a smile to little Suzie and keep her out of mommies hair when the mailman stops by for those long afternoon visits.

#11. Peepin’ Tommy Night-Vision Goggles

Little Tommy will be well on his way to teaching himself all about the birds and the bees with this handy dandy all-purpose device. Hey Tommy…I have an idea…you can watch Suzie’s mom. She looks hot!

#10. John Candy Land

This action game is fun for the whole family. Party Party Party is its mantra. Yes boys and girls, you can start down the road to alcoholism and drug dependency in a fun way with this. Be just like mom and dad and party til you drop. Just don’t drop like John Candy. Comes with real booze, real smokes, and a small baggie of nose candy. This game gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘The Candy Man Can’.

#9. The Easy Bake Meth Lab

Now here is a unique gift idea. If you did not get enough dependent behavior from John Candy Land then here is something that is sure to blow your mind. Little Suzie will love to make her special Crystal Meth Cookies. Yum Yum. You can’t get enough of this addictive little baby.

#8. Lawn Dart Tag

One of your kids being a pain in the ass? Make him wear the bulls eye shirt and he can be a moving target for his friends. Yes they can get rid of Little Johnny for you, you can cash in his insurance policy, and his bad-ass friends will take the heat and wind up in ‘Juvie’. You can plead ignorance and sue the Lawn Dart Tag company for selling a dangerous product and get even  more. Don’t delay with your purchase. They may go bankrupt before you get a chance to sue.

#7. Honka White Trash Cars and Trucks

Perfect for the Red Neck sect. Yes now Cletus, Bubba, and Adolph can have fun playing with these. White Trash Cars and Trucks for White Trash Kids.

#6. Bump ‘Em Hump ‘Em Robots

This great gift will help educate your children about the psychical aspects of gay sex. They can take turns being the top and the bottom.

If gay sex offends you, as an added bonus, you can have your kids practice their gay bashing skills. Straight or gay, your kids will play with themselves all day.

#5. The Road Kill Raccoon

This is another great gift idea for the Red Neck in you. This baby is now new and improved, coming complete with Action Maggots. Yes your child will be mesmerized watching these squirming little critters. When the maggots die, you can use it as a Pinata at Jethro’s next birthday party.

#4. Mrs. Boozely

You have seen the Mrs. Boozely type before. You know, that annoying neighbor that comes to your party, gets drunk and then bangs your husband in the bedroom, while you are busy entertaining.

You can give this to your kid and then tell her to ask daddy the significance of it. Mrs. Boozely comes complete with a real bottle of Jack Daniels, making it the ideal festive gift.

#3. Mary-Kate’s Binge ‘n Purge Game

Mary-Kate has had more boyfriends than Madonna. She spends more time on her back than Terri Schiavo. That is because she stays skinny at all costs. You know us guys, we don’t want our women Oprah-sized.

It is important that you start teaching your daughter early. This game will help reinforce that it does not matter how your daughter stays slim and trim, just as long as she does.

The game comes complete with a full-featured video of Mary-Kate sharing her success story. In a fun way she discusses her step-by-step strategy of using bulimia as a weight loss tool.

Yes, now your daughter can have fun binge eating and puking her guts out. Best of all she will never gain weight.

Karen Carpenter would be so proud of Mary-Kate.

#2. Clue – The Hollywood Mystery Game

This game features all of the top movers and shakers in the entertainment industry. This is the best ‘who dun it’ game on the market today.

Comes with anatomically correct action figures, copies of actual rap sheets, mug shots, and finger prints. Put on your detective hats and Sherlock Holmes’ your way to solving all of the crimes that will be committed and not admitted too.

#1 Shiite Pets

This is the number one novelty item for this holiday season. Now Little Johnny can turn himself into a Taliban with this ‘wear-n-grow’ version of the Shiite Pet. You can have some real fun with this at your local airport.

Have Little Johnny walk through a security gate saying ‘I do it for Allah and want my free virgins’. Easy to do and fun to grow. Just wrap a wet towel around Little Johnny’s head, plant the special Shiite seed, and water it. In 48 hours your child will be magically transformed. Just set it and forget it.

It comes with a special spray on adhesive that can be applied to Little Johnny’s face, so he can grow his own Shiite beard. If you act now and buy this today, you will receive a free copy of the Koran personally autographed by Cat Stevens. That’s Yusuf Islam in Muslim.

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